Last Post

I have been quite busy of late. But, I hadn’t realized that my last post was in June! What have you been up to since then? We had a very busy summer with the family. The adoption of our little guys finally came through. So, we are now, legally, the proud parents of two year old twins!

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From right to left: Me, Judge Neil with Jesse on his lap holding the gavel, my Husband, Troy holding Connor and my Mom aka “MawMaw”. As you can see this was an incredibly happy day for us. All the stress of the past two years just seemed to fly away with the bang of the Judge’s gavel. So, we spent the summer making memories with the little guys.

I have been having a lot of flare ups these past months which has resulted in a lot of time being bed bound. And so it goes with Chronic illnesses. Unfortunately this also results in feelings of depression and a serious lack of motivation. Spending so much time in bed, I have watched a lot of shows and movies between Netflix and Amazon. I have fallen in love with True Blood, Grimm, The Walking Dead, Hemlock Grove, American Horror Story…are you seeing a pattern emerge? I am a fan of supernatural entertainment. I also love me some psychological thrillers and just things that get your mind going. I love The Black List, Bones, House… Speaking of Psychological Thrillers, have you read my Friend, Christa Wojciechowski’s book, “Sick”? She actually has a few out now. But, if your looking for something to blow your mind, start with this one.

http://ow.ly/4Onk304AgwT #amwriting #freebooks #freekindle #horror #suspense #shortreads

I enjoy reading very much and covet time alone to sneak into a quiet corner and tuck into a good book, when I am not suffering from a debilitating migraine, of course.

Anyway, one of the twins woke up at midnight tonight/ this morning and I was not able to get back into a good sleep. So, I spent some time in prayer, listened to some relaxing music, took a good, hot bath and still, sleep would not come. So, here I am, after months of absence and it feels good to be writing again. What do you do when you aren’t sleeping well?

Oops, my Husband just caught me! He wants to know what in the heck I am doing at this hour. Ha! Ha! He should be used to this by now. We’ve been together long enough. Well, that is a false statement. I don’t know if forever would be long enough with this man. Troy is the absolute best! We’ve had our ups and downs, as has any couple who have managed to stay together in this wild world. But, we have made it well past those early struggles. I have to tell you, it was all worth it in the end. The struggle, the pain, the heartaches…I wouldn’t change a thing.

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Well, it’s 0600 now and it looks like he’s up for the day. So, I’m going to take this rare opportunity to spend time with him before the twins wake up! Thanks for sticking around all these months. I promise that you’ll hear from me again soon~

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Mother

We all form an opinion of the people that we love. We always feel that we have an accurate idea about a person based on what we see and hear from them . This is especially true of those with whom we live. Let us remember that they had a whole life before the present day. We all did.

Mother sits on the front porch. She smokes and gossips on the phone.This is much of her daily life. She watches the neighborhood. She notes the coming and going of all the neighbors. She takes note  when she sees a stranger. To her family, this is her life. But, she had a larger life once. She had a job and friends. She went out occasionally to dance and sing. She sang well. She had her own home. Now, her life was contained in one room of her daughter’s home. She, to the porch where she kept watch and replayed memories of yesterday.

 

As I Lay Dying

 

 

I’d like to share an experience that I had last Friday night. I think it will shed some light on diabetes and food addiction for those who don’t understand. Hopefully those who suffer with this type of self harm may be encouraged to find that they are not alone. Many people think of self harm as cutting or taking drugs, even smoking cigarettes. But, not many people see food as an addiction. Carbs are my kryptonite. Especially chocolate. It is a rare instance when I am able to resist chocolate. If I know that it is in reach, it becomes an obsession. It’s all I can think about until I get it in my mouth. I can’t simply eat a single serving. I must eat every last morsel no matter the cost! Say what you want about my lack of self- discipline. I’m an addict as much as the pot head down the street who swears that marijuana isn’t addictive.chocolate understands

I went to bed with a crushing headache. I didn’t think too much of it because I had gobbled down four, count them, four large dark chocolate bars today. One before I ever got up this morning. I went to brunch with my Son, my Mom and the twins. We were home by 11:30am. I put the stinkers down for a nap and lay down, myself. I put a movie on Netflix and proceeded to gobble down the other three bars. It was just so yummy. I knew that I had more, so I just kept eating them until they were all gone. Then, I went to sleep. Of course, I woke up with a headache. I took my meds. I made sure to include the Metformin , which lowers my blood sugar. Had “Pub Subs” with the family for dinner and the headache sent me back to bed.  I moaned and groaned about my headache. Of course, I did not admit to my husband that I was literally overdosing on chocolate. All I could do was suffer through it. I woke with a sudden shock around 12am. I could barely move, I knew that I was in trouble. I began calling to my Husband for help. “Babe! Baby! I need help! Please! Help me!” He didn’t move. He was asleep with his CPAP on. He couldn’t hear me and I couldn’t move to get his attention. I continued to cry out. Help me! Please, help me! I picked up the tv remote that he had given me before he went to sleep. It was still lying across my chest. I thought that if I could just get the tv on, the light and sound would stir him. But, as I tried to push the on button, I realized that I didn’t have the strength. I was practically paralyzed. I knew what was happening. I had seen other diabetics go through similar episodes when I worked as a Nurses Aid in hospitals and nursing homes. My sugar was too high, I could feel it. My mouth was so dry, I realized as the remote hit the floor that in all my efforts to wake my husband, I had never actually uttered a sound!Death_by_chocolate_(5119851313).jpg Oh, God! I am going to lay here and die! I am having a stroke and it’s going to kill me! Please! Help me! Suddenly, I had the strength to reach down and pick up that remote. I turned on the tv, turned down the sound and found myself getting out of bed, grabbing my water and my medicine and going into the bathroom. The recovery was nothing short of miraculous. I quickly washed my hands and pricked my finger. No dilly dallying over the anxiety of the pain of the tiny prick that would draw my blood. Not this time. I knew that I was being given a chance here and I wasn’t about to draw it out. Prick and squeeze. Thick red blood popped to the surface of my left middle finger faster than I had ever seen. It seemed as though the very blood in my body knew that there was no time to waste. I applied my finger to the test strip and read the result. 201. 201? Now, I know that is higher than recommended. However, the day that I received the news that I was diabetic, I was standing in my Doctor’s office in tampa where they had just tested my sugar out at over 300 and I felt fine. How strange this whole experience… Still, I wasn’t fooling around. I took 1000mg of Metformin; my regular bedtime dose. I followed up with my sinus pill and my cholesterol pill. All the while, all I was thinking was that either my tester is broken, or God had drastically driven down my blood sugar in a matter of seconds in order to give me the strength and the where with all to get out of bed and get my meds in me. I believe that to be the case. Now, I’m quite tired, but, I am going to stay awake long enough to retest my sugar in an hour.

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As you can see, I was entirely out of control that day. I put myself into a dangerous position. But, even as I was eating those chocolate bars, I was thinking of the consequences and the addict in me was able to convince the logical me that it was worth the risk. See, my body doesn’t always react badly to this type of binging. Sometimes I can eat a whole cheesecake and I’m fine. So, I had a 50/50 shot at being ok. I took it. I nearly died. Even though there was no big scene with an ambulance and the hospital, I have no doubt that I was on death’s doorstep. That desperate prayer saved me. God saved me this time. Who knows what will happen next time if I even wake up.

I haven’t gone on a binge since then. I know that I had a close call. I am not completely off of sugar, although I should be. But, I am not planning to ever repeat that experience again. I want to be healthy and strong.

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